Sunday, March 6, 2011
I know I haven't been keeping up with this blog like I should. Some very unhappy things have happened in my life lately. The hardest one is that Doug left. I know that the news is going to get out anyway might as well hear it from me. I live in a small town. I know there are a few of you out there that this will totally come as a shock. Send me your number and I'll explain everything. For now this is all anyone needs to know. I'm more scared now than I have ever been in my entire life. I've never been in this place of so much uncertainity. There are days that all I want to do is just stay in bed and cry. i've never felt so kicked around, sucker punched and damaged. I know I have an amazing support system most of those are 4,000 miles away and I feel that. I know I'm not alone, but at times it feels like it. I thought I had my life pretty much mapped out for me. Stay in the military, raise my family, and sit on my front porch with my husband and turn old. Now life has thrown that good ole curve ball and now I'm not so sure. I know I've made mistakes in my life, I've fallen down really hard, questioned God and wondered if he was still there, and I've been so ready just to give up lately. Fortunately I have two small reminders that my life is worth living that eventhough things look really bleak they are the little lights in my life and I need to cling to that for dear life. I've hated myself and questioned who I am. I am a mother, a child of God, still a wife, a daughter, a daughter-in-law, a sister-in-law, a grand-daughter, great-grand-daughter, an aunt, niece, sister, and a member of the greatest service on earth. I have a family that loves me despite all my faults and would do absolutely anything for me even some pretty extreme things. I love them for that. They have been there for me through the last few weeks of tears and pain. Miles may separate us but we've got phones, facebook, and lots of prayers. They lift me up, make me smile and laugh, and keep me focused on the most important people in my life: Paige Jasdelynn Beckham and Clay Riley Beckham. I know in the days ahead I will have okay days, hard days full of pain, lots and lots of tears, and maybe someday, though I can't even see it now one day I will be just fine again. This is just life and it sucks sometimes, but you can either sit around and feel sorry for yourself (which I've done a lot of) or you can dust yourself off get up and take a swing right back a life roll with the punches and learn to duck next time. My life has done a total 180 I've decided that it is time to change my job. Not getting out of the military just making it better for my kids and me. I've got to get a lot of school done to accomplish my new vision for my life and in the end I'll be an officer in the nursing field. I love caring for other people and want to be able to touch someones life. I'll probably be calling alot of you young people that are in college namely my little brother and hopefully get some help. I've got three years to accomplish this goal and I'm going to need all the help I can get. Then hopefully I'll be on my way back to Oklahoma to finish my schooling at the greatest university on the face of the earth OU. So there it the nitty gritty truth about my life why I've got tons of lemons and lots of lemonade to make. Life just happened!!